Red Scarf and Patent Leather Shoes

Alright reader.  I wrote in my journal last night that for these blog posts, I don’t always want to have the tone of a fortune cookie.  So for this post I want to get a little personal, pull more from my own bag of tricks so to speak.  I don’t expect a large audience to actually read my posts anyways, so I am not taking much a risk here.  So… reprieve, huh?

Life is one long reprieve.  From the time I breathed my stuttered breath on this earth my body–my physical keeper–has been counting down until the end.  I am living the final countdown.  Because life is a long stretch of time, I don’t really feel the reprieve I am experiencing.  I have adjusted and grown accustomed.  I think I felt it more when was younger, honestly.  In childhood everything is so new and fresh and stark.  If it was bright day outside, and my grandparents told me I couldn’t go outside, I felt so attacked. However, the reprieve I experienced directly as a kid involved the mundane and the taboo subject of corporal punishment:

I forgot the red headscarf and those damn patent leather shoes.  Both could go to the deuce in my young opinion, but my opinion had no merit in her eyes.  She was going to whoop me.  She was to lay hands on me in a way not of God.  She was going to lay hands on me in the way souls are restrained in hell.  She was going to wield the whip of truth upon me.  It was a clear telephone chord, a tool for communication purposes.  Each strike was as if to say, “Feel pain, but do not cry.  If you cry, more strikes are given.  Tell me the truth, but only the truth that makes sense to me.”

“Alexandria where is your headscarf and those shoes.  You know you gotta wrap your head up at night, and I want to wear those shoes for church tomorrow!”  I could hear her say.

I would pathetically mumble that I had forgotten them at my grandmother’s house.

Her eyes would close in on me like a target, before I’d know it my cries of protest would be fruitless. “I am tired of your excuses, Alexandria.” It would have been over.

This time, she asked the question.  I fell on my knees in front of her in the kitchen, tears bursting from my eyes.

“Please, oh gawd!  Please don’t whoop me!  I just forgot it, but its the truth. PLEASE–”

I would have continued, but I heard her laughing.  She thinks its funny.  What?  This is good?  Yes, this is good. I, unbenownst to me, had amused her with my desperate attempts to not lose one of my lives that night.  I was saved a beating.  I gained reprieve from the queen.

Surviv[ed]

I think there is an idea that survial comes after some kind of relief.  Like, “Oh, that hurricane destroyed everything she had, but thank god she survived.”  The storm is over and we can all walk away.  There’s relief in that, but it isn’t always so.  I think survival is existing with something pivotal being taken away from you. You compensate, doing without.  Sometimes it is becoming the storm—striking before anyone else can. Sometimes it is living with a wound that you don’t know how to heal. Sometimes its living with the storm inside you, so you wake up knowing that it isn’t over.

 

 

Little Flames

She knew what it was to hate oneself.

A look in the mirror was painful and the beauty she possessed seemed too much a weight…like chocolate too rich to enjoy. The bitterness she harbored was too great.

No one knew what the darkness hid. She was cold but somehow knew that the flames of hell were playfully dancing and holding hands around her ankles. Each step forward was a weak objection to their plans but they only held tighter and laughed their flames brighter so that her face contained beastly shadows rarely anyone saw.

“Dance with us!” they cried. Pitifully they chided. Their ugly smiles were endearing to her, they did not realize the demons they were in her eyes. Their dance and their song was their fun and they only wanted to share…to play. To play the game that some call life, others call temptation, and others call damnation.

Bridges are better than walls. thanks.

 

I’m thankful for bridges—that they exist so people can walk over them and get to the other side and reach each other. I’m glad that they exist because if not it would just be a bunch of people peering over at each other.  Yelling words that could so easily be blown away by the wind.  Maybe there would be people using telescopes and binoculars to read each others lips. I don’t know. Continue reading

Little

I watched the boy run in circles and topple over himself, only to do it all over again. My body instinctively jerked many times to stop myself from running to his rescue—down he would fall onto his small hands, but it did not take long for his little legs to straighten out and he would shoot into the crowd, dodging the coaxing arms of his father and other cooing bystanders. How bold. How unaware. Continue reading

Signs of A Clouded Mind

Clouds

1.) You wake up (late) and you feel heavy inside.

2.)Your thoughts are scattered and you can’t focus well on one task whether that be cleaning off your desk or picking out your clothes for the day.

3.) You are frustrated easily over the smallest things like your sandals coming off when you’re walking or struggling to turn the handle to the shower.

4.) You feel paranoid.  Like, somehow, the world is working against you.

5.) You criticize yourself, for being human. Why did I message that guy?  Am I needy?  I haven’t worked out in a while…I’m failing…why am I failing? I’m freaking lonely and this sucks.

6.) The negative thoughts pour through your brain and you try to stop them up with funny YouTube videos, nosing about through your Facebook feed, watching some Netflix.  You become discontent when you realize that you don’t do a very good job at distracting yourself, from yourself.

7.) You go to bed late because you are not convinced that the internet, for once, doesn’t have the answer. 1 am rolls by and the Buzzfeed channel hasn’t said anything you couldn’t guess.  2 am gallops by and Jim and Pam’s relationship office relationship has you feeling a bit green inside. 3 am saunters in and you are doing intense research on how the bullet journaling system could work for you…but then you slowly recoil at the sight of numerous layouts, stationary flair (that you don’t have), the apparent necessity for pricy notebooks that have graph paper inside of them, and colored writing utensils that make a ballpoint options look pathetic.

8.) You reflect and decide to be honest with yourself.  I’m having a sucky day emotionally, but I gotta blog.  I gotta get my camera fixed.  Gotta do laundry. 

And guess what?  Theres a whatever percent chance that tomorrow will be better.

Redundant

Opening Line

It wouldn’t be the first and it wouldn’t be the last.

She would toss and turn in the night,

her mind assaulted by her past.

Tremors and mumblings she constantly restrained,

her heart and soul still in shock from the pain.

No.

It wouldn’t the first and wouldn’t be the last,

where romance would enter slowly

and die so fast.

She was a stranger to reciprocal affections.

She was always privy to her emotional defections.

No.

It wouldn’t be the first and wouldn’t be the last.

So many would leave and she would wait behind,

Feeling so deeply she was her own anchor.

The first to give and the first to die.

It wouldn’t be the first and wouldn’t be the last